Jar of Hearts..

"Sandra Kay McVey, age 67, of Bristol, TN went to be with the Lord, Tuesday, November 2, 2010 in the Wellmont Hospice House. She was born May 7,1943 in Bristol, VA a daughter of the late Jay and Virgie Meade Blevins, and she lived most of her life in the Bristol area. She was a retired employee of Hills Department Store, and was a former business manager for Right Turn. She was a member of Woodlawn Baptist Church. She is survived by her loving husband of 16 years: Denny Collier, Daughters: Dena Springer, Kena Kappelman, Son: Pat McVey, Step Daughter: Nicole Collier, Grandchildren: Ashley Kappelman, Collin Kappelman, Kevin Hughes II, Christina Springer, Zachary Springer, and Aric Springer "

She's dead, Jim.

My Mom is gone.

To quote, with one minor alteration, one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies of all-time, "A Knight's Tale" : "The spark of her life is smothered in shite. Her spirit is gone but her stench remains. Does that answer your question?"

Please pardon me if my words seem irreverent, or disrespectful...those of you who know me best know that my responses are often so, and that sometimes, I tend to deal with some of life's most serious issues with my own breed of somewhat twisted humor. Life is too short, after all, to take it too seriously.

And so, dear reader, if you've taken offense, I offer my most sincere apologies. It's not intentional.. it's just.. -me-.

I've done my grieving, and said my goodbyes.. now, all that's left is to find my way in this new reality of my life. I've been so blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who have loved and supported me through all the ups and downs of my life..and this was no exception. I have truly felt the love, thoughts and prayers sent my way.. and I am grateful to you, my dear friend, for all that you've given me. Rest assured, the love is sent back to you,and twice over.

So many of you have taken the time to ask me the simple yet powerful statement. "How are you?".. with a genuine interest and care.

My response, although it may sound quite cliche and glib is simply this:

I'm okay.

-Really-.

I'm okay.

Those of you who have known me for any length of time undoubtedly know that my Mom and I were never close. In fact, sometimes I've found myself wondering how two people who were effectively raised in the same environment, by the same two people, could have been so different in so many ways. For most of my life, I've been walking wounded, bearing the weight of the scars of words spoken in anger and resentments that I didn't even understand.. carrying hurts that I've held inside for so very long, hurts that no band-aid could heal, hurts that hung over my heart like a black cloud following me around and refusing to leave. A little over a year ago, I made the conscious decision to forgive my Mom for those hurts, to refuse to let any emotion that lingered in me to transform me into someone I didn't want to be - a bitter person held prisoner by pain and anger. I made the choice to not allow myself to be controlled by that hurt, but instead..to release it, to just.. let all that useless emotion..go.

I thought that in that moment that I was free, that I couldn't feel any more so than I did right at that instant.

I was wrong.

On Friday, November 5th, at 3 p.m., I came to understand the true meaning of freedom.

That afternoon, when I walked into the funeral home, and, along with the rest of my family, took our last look at the lingering lump of flesh that had once been the shell of my mother's soul, I found true peace and freedom. As I looked at that body, so utterly and completely ravaged by the disease that claimed her, I think I really saw my Mom for the very first time. She was no saint, not at all - she was a flawed person, who made many mistakes in her life, mistakes that often broke the hearts of those nearest to her. And yet.. just as I realized that I could never have imagined the physical pain that she had to bear in those last days of her life, I will likely never know, and can't imagine the emotional pain that she had to have held inside. For the first time, I really began to realize and understand the secret hurt that she kept, that drove her to become the person she was ,and to do those things that she did and said, the things that hurt me so deeply, and left those scars...and in that moment, I truly grieved..not for the loss of her life, but for what she must have had to endure during her life, for the wounds that had shaped her, the pain that she just..couldn't let go.

In those final moments, in that final realization, there was no more anger, no more sorrow.. the wounds were gone, the scars were faded, there was only love, and compassion..for this stranger, this beautiful, fallible, human that had been my Mother.

And in finding that love, I found perfect freedom.

I am no longer bound by the chains of hurt. I am no longer carrying that weight. I am free to define my life without that negativity, no longer locked in the labels that my Mother, in her hurt had applied to me. I was no longer the loser, the ugly one, the weird one.. I was, and am.. purely me, defined only by God, to be the person He wants me to be.

I've always heard that there is peace in death. In my Mom's.. I can truly say I've found more of my own.


So, Mom....if you're reading this today, from heaven..if, in His grace, mercy and goodness, God is somehow allowing my heart to carry these words to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't see you, really -see- you, before you left. I'm sorry for the pain you had to endure, both physically and emotionally. But more than anything, Mom.. I love you.

Before you passed, you chose the song to be played at your funeral, a song that I've heard many times, but really..never listened to, before that night when we gathered to bid you farewell. I never heard the words before that night.

I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

You were no stranger to the rain, Mom, and you faced the devils that you lived with every day of your life. May you find the peace in His arms that you never knew in your life here on earth.

As for me? As I said.. I've done my grieving and said my goodbyes..now all that's left is for me to find my way in this new reality ..and I think I'm off to a pretty good start.

Before Mom died, I fell in love with a song, Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". I don't know why, really, but the lyrics seemed so very fitting for my Mom and the relationship we shared in life, and somehow, appropriate as I begin this new journey in life.

And so, dear reader, as we end this time together, I'll leave you with these thoughts, these moments.

Thank you, as always, for your love, support, and for sharing these moments with me.. I truly do love you.

And now.. "Jar of Hearts", by Christina Perri.

So, What the Heck Am I Supposed to Do Now?

I thought I had it all worked out.

I thought I had it under control.

I thought I knew just what I was supposed to do, how God was telling me to handle the situation.

I thought the wound had healed, that for once in so many years, I had actually put all the pain, and the hurt behind me.

Then one phone call, one turn of the phrase turned my world upside down.

It had been a good day. Really, it had. Richard and I had had the chance to spend some quality time with Kevin, our oldest son, at lunch. We'd finally been able to put the stress of his impending trip to San Antonio behind us, and really enjoy each other's company. I received an email from MSU wanting more information for my financial aid paperwork. (Yes, I know that to some, the idea of having to deal with more red tape and bureaucracy is more of a pain than a pleasure, but for me, it was a tangible evidence that this "Back to School" thing is actually going to happen..that I'm finally moving forward, and writing a new chapter in this extremely strange novel that is my life.) I went out to dinner with the beautiful, wonderful, and amazing ladies in my Lifegroup from Onelife, and for the first time in a very long time.. I didn't feel so alone. I even finally got enough nerve to actually call my Dad and tell him about my going back to school, and although he wasn't really too thrilled with my choice of a major - being the pragmatist he is, the idea of what I could do with a degree in psychology/social work, or even -why- I might want to deal with things that are so messy as feelings, wasn't something he understood fully - he told me he was proud of me, and that he loved me. I don't care how old you get, hearing your Dad say those things to you warms your heart, especially when they're not given lightly, and you know it.

Then, he asked a simple question. It wasn't earth-shaking, nothing traumatic. "Have you heard from your Mom or sister in the past couple of days?" Not an unusual question really, no more unusual than "How's the weather down there?" in conversation with my Dad. The truth be told, I think he asks it sometimes because he knows those relationships are broken, and being a man somewhat uncomfortable in his own emotions, he doesn't know how to ask how I'm dealing with things, how things or going or if I'm dealing with it okay, so he asks if I've talked to them. I replied with my usual response, "No, not this week. How are things there?". Usually when I ask, Dad will share some sort of story about how he talked to my stepdad at work, or some tale about how my niece or nephew are doing.

This time , however, his reaction was very different. His voice grew very quiet, and took a very serious tone. "Your Mom's back in the hospital. She had a lump under her arm, and they took her in to get it checked out. They admitted her, and the last I heard, they think it may be a blood clot."

Ironically, at that point, that news didn't really phase me. Mom's not been in good health for some time, so it wasn't really surprising. There was no melodramatic crescendo.. it was just another day, another story, more of the same old same old that I've gotten used to in the reality of my mom's life over the past few years.

Then, as I continued my conversation with my Dad on my cell phone, my house phone began to ring. I noticed a strange expression on Richard's face as he looked at the caller-id, and a certain hesitance in his voice when he answered, and greeted the caller with his "hello". Only a few seconds passed, before he looked at me and said, "Dee, it's your Mom. She's calling from the hospital. I think you'd better take this."

Something in his tone, in his expression left no doubt in my mind or heart that I should, although in all truthfulness, I really didn't want to do so. My Mom has a tendency to be a bit of a drama queen, and after a good day, I really wasn't in the mood for a self-imposed pity party, or another one of her "iron fist in a velvet glove" sessions of her telling me how wrong I am, how ugly I am, how I should never have been born. I had intentionally closed that chapter of my life.. I had dealt with it all, and just wanted to move on.

I really don't know why I said okay. On some levels, I wish I hadn't..but I did.

Hurriedly saying goodbye to my dad, I switched one phone , one conversation for another, expecting to be placing myself in the line of fire to become an "emotional punching bag" for my Mom, as I usually am, when she's in stressful or bad situations.

The voice I heard on the other end of that line was one I hadn't heard before. Maybe it was because she was heavily drugged, I don't know.. but as Mom told me about her admission to the hospital, and her two days in ICU, there was something frail, something vulnerable, so apparent in her words, and tone, that it took me by surprise. We talked a few moments about the doctors and their thoughts on her condition... and then she confirmed what I had been afraid of since Dad had told me she'd been in the hospital - that they think perhaps the cancer that's been eating her up for years now had spread to the bone.

At that very moment, that very instant, I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach, hard.. hard enough to knock the breath out of me.

You see, I know what that means. Given Mom's condition, if the cancer has spread, the chances of her recovering from it, of there being a treatment for it, are slim to none. The diagnosis will more than likely be terminal.

I'm trying to think positively here, to remind myself that they don't know for certain, that they haven't finished testing yet, that things could be totally different..but the truth is, I think I've felt for sometime now, that this was how things would go, that the cancer would eventually overwhelm her body. It's been too constant a companion for her for too long for it simply to just.. go away.

And with that reality.. my own reality was turned upside down.

As much as I might have thought that I had the situation under control, as much as I'd thought I had gotten some type of "closure" in my relationship with my Mom, the reality that she might soon be facing death, ripped away all the illusion, leaving me once more with this huge gaping wound in my heart..and not a band-aid in sight.

I thought that God had been showing me that it was time for me to move on, to not be held back by the hurts of the past...that my life didn't have to be defined by those things, that I could choose to go on, to let it all go. I had even grown sure that I wouldn't even go back for my Mom's funeral, that I had said my goodbyes, and that's all there was.

And now.. now, I have no clue where God's going with all this. Just when I get good and settled in what I think is His will, He seems to be taking me in just the opposite direction.

I don't know.. maybe He's telling me that letting go isn't enough, that forgiveness isn't enough. Maybe now He thinks I'm ready to take the next step, to see if there's more that can come now.

I can't lie, there's a part of me that still dreams that there could be healing there. Every little girl wants their mother to love them, and I'm no exception.

Then again, this could all just be some trick of the enemy, some sort of game with my head and heart, to throw me off the track of the growth I've accomplished.

The problem is, I've had these hopes so often, only to see them dashed, I'm scared to open up to even that possibility now. I shouldn't be afraid of hurt, I know that, especially when God's in the equation... but I am. So many times, I've reached out to my Mom, praying that things would be different, only to have my heart broken again. So many times, I've thought that maybe the illness would change her heart, and she could love me for who I was - and there were times that it seemed to, and I'd begin to hope, only to have that hope totally trashed when she felt a little better. I don't want to go there. I just don't want to go there. I've only just now begun to get to the point that I've started to accept myself for who I am, I don't want to go back to being the person that I was, the girl who was so locked up in all that pain for all those years.

To top it all off, Mom hasn't even had the bone scan yet. I may be putting myself through all of this for nothing. And with that in mind.. -why- am I doing just that..? Putting myself through this! Obviously there's something, some glitch in this armor of mine that's allowing it.. what do I do with that?

I thought I had it all worked out.

I thought I had it under control.

I thought I knew just what I was supposed to do, how God was telling me to handle the situation.

I thought the wound had healed, that for once in so many years, I had actually put all the pain, and the hurt behind me.

Then one phone call, one turn of the phrase turned my world upside down.

So, what the Heck am I supposed to do now?

Keep on Doing Weird Things...

"People won’t understand you. They will think the things you do are
strange.Your work will go unappreciated. Your contribution may feel
marginalized. People will suggest that you are not important.
But keep going for it. Be persistent. Have tenacity. Keep doing weird
things. If you keep singing, good things will eventually come. Good things
like Lenny Kravitz." - via Mike Foster, People of the Second Chance Blog.

I Love My Husband

I love my husband. I love my husband. I freakin' LOVE my husband.

Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I'll finally believe it. :)

Actually, that's not really true. I do love my husband, and if there's anything in this world I'm certain of , it is that.. after 15 years, marrying him twice, and following him to the ends of the earth, I think the time for second thoughts is long past. :)

Still, to say that this past week has been a challenging time in our relationship might be a bit of an understatement. His upcoming 6 week long trip to San Antonio at the military's request has us both more than slightly at wits' end. We both know that things like this are simply a part of the military life, and we both are very aware that it could be worse - many families are currently being separated for much longer than 6 weeks, and under much worse circumstances than only being a 6 or so hour drive apart. We've been trying to keep ourselves busy with other activities, so that our minds are occupied and we don't think about what is to come. We even tell ourselves that it won't really be a whole 6 weeks, since the kids and I are planning to go down and visit him for a nice weekend before school starts, and he's planning on trying to come home for a weekend at around the 4 week or so mark, if he can.

And yet, none of those reassurances, none of those comforting thoughts is really making this any easier for us. The fact that he has to leave soon is like a big ugly stinky elephant in the room, even if we don't acknowledge it. We still get stressed, and all that anxiety, and uncertainty, all that dread, and displeasure evidences itself in griping and sniping at one another. It's insane really.. you'd think we'd be spending these last 2 weeks before he leaves making the most of our time together, and instead, we've spent at least one of them doing nothing constructive in our relationship at all.

So, realizing that I couldn't handle this on my own, I did what I always do when things get stressful and hard like this. I called my Daddy - my heavenly Father, that is. Don't get me wrong, my earthly father is an amazing man, and I love him dearly, he gives great advice when I do call on him, but this time..this time I just needed the peace that only my Heavenly Father can provide.

Our conversation was an interesting one. After rattling off a long list of complaints about Richard, and a general whinefest about the situation as a whole, God responded. His answer, and the conversation that followed was one I didn't really expect.

"Leave him to me."

"But..But Daddy, I'm scared. I'm insecure, I mean, what if...?"

"Leave Richard, and the what-ifs, and everything about this situation to me, Dee. I'm in control of this. Haven't I seen you through so much already? Trust me on this one. I've got it under control. I've got your back. Just leave it all to me."

"But God, what if Richard's not the man I want him to be, the man I think he needs to be to meet my emotional needs while he's away.."

"Dee.. I know you better than anyone else. I knew you before you were born, I know the number of hairs on your head By the way, the red color's nice.. I like it, much closer to the color I gave you..."

"Thanks, Dad, I like it too! And the glaze stuff Jill put on it last time... -loving- it! Too cool! But anyway.. you were saying...?"

"Oh, yes.. now where was I? Ahh, yes. Dee, no one knows you better or loves you more than I do. I know what is perfect for you, what you need in a husband, probably even more than you do. Haven't I always promised you that I would give you greater things than you could ever imagine for yourself if you would just trust Me, and follow My will? That what I have in store for you is greater by far than what you may think you want? Richard may not always seem to live up to your romantic notions, he may not be the romantic hero that so many of my kids seem to think that Rob Pattinson guy from Twilight is, but.."

"Um..Daddy? I don't like Rob Pattinson.."

"Yes, yes, I know that, Dee. Duhh! I'm only God of everything, I think I figured that one out! Honestly, that whole shimmering vampire thing kind of wrankles my robes, too. How about that Jensen Ackles fellow you're so fond of, then?"

"Much better!"

" Okay Jensen Ackles it is. Back to My point, then. Dee, Richard may not always live up to your ideas of what you think he -should- be..he may not seem the most romantic soul at times, and I know that at times, he falls short of what you might expect..but I created him, as well, and I'm the one that gave you two a heart for one another. Don't you think that in him, I've given you a man that is -more- than what you've dreamed of? I've given you a man that -I- as your father, the One who loves you best, dreams of for you. Don't worry, Dee. Leave him to me. Trust me. Let go, and just love him. Let Me take care of everything else."

"Yes, Sir...I get it, Daddy, and you're right. I'm sorry that it took me this long to see it... but.. umm.. Daddy?"

"Yes, dear?"

"About Richard leaving his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor in the morning..do You think You could..."

"Already on it!"

Okay, obviously, I've embellished a bit on the "conversation", although truthfully, not that much. I tend to have some rather quirky dialogue with my creator from time to time. And don't worry, no, I'm not hearing disembodied voices or having auditory hallucinations, either.. this is just what I felt God was teaching me in that moment.

And as usual.. He was right. Of course, He's God, that's sort of status quo, isn't it? :) Everything that's happening right now, is according to His will, just as it's supposed to..and even though I may hate the idea of Richard being away for 6 weeks, God is working His purpose even in our time apart. I don't have to worry about what Richard may do, or not do, while he's there - my Daddy's got his eye on him, and trust me, if he messes up, my Daddy will definitely let him know about it- and my Daddy can totally kick butt if he wants to! Remember that whole flood thing? But more than that, as Daddy reminded me.. while no marriage is perfect, because no human is perfect..we all fail and disappoint one another from time to time.. God created us with a heart for one another. It wasn't just some huge cosmic accident that we came to be together. It was His plan..and the God who loves me so much that He sent His son to die so that He could have a relationship with me, would never have given me anything but the person that is best for me...someone who may not be perfect..but is perfect for me.

So, after all this, do I feel any better about Richard going away? Honestly, I still hate the idea, I still miss him already, I still worry about how the boys will do in his absence. I'm still a little scared, and uncertain.. but I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it -will- be okay.. and that Someone far greater than I is there for me, and for Richard, and our family.

And I'm choosing to trust Him.

Embracing my Inner "Bee Girl"...

When it comes to the walk of life, I've always felt like I was slightly out of step with the world around me, and those within it. "Marching to the beat of a different drum", some might say of me.

In the eyes of most, however, I'm sure they'd say that I'm just plain -weird-.
And they're probably right.

Ironically enough, I think I've always known that I wasn't like the proverbial "others". I distinctly remember wondering, even as a child, if I was adopted, or somehow, someway genetically altered to be different from those around me, those in my small-town hometown corner of the world. At one time, I even wondered if I was the unexpected, unintended offspring of some well-meaning alien who might have been traversing the universe, scoping out human chicks, leaving a repository of his DNA behind in me.

See, I told you, I'm weird. :)

It wasn't so bad when I was younger. Living with my grandparents, I didn't really have a preschool social circle. In fact, I really didn't have a lot of contact with kids my own age at all. It was okay,though... I had plenty of imaginary friends and playmates that knew me well, and loved me just as I was. I was perfectly and completely accepted by all my invisible playmates and the characters I met in the books that were my constant companions. William Shakespeare certainly understood, I always felt wonderfully at home in his company.

It wasn't so bad being different then.. it wasn't so bad, at all. Unfortunately, that false sense of security couldn't last forever.

It didn't take long for me to learn that being "different", being "weird", left me at the mercy of those who couldn't understand, who wouldn't understand, who didn't know, who couldn't imagine what the world was like out of their little sphere of experience. From the first day of kindergarten, I found myself somewhat of an outcast, isolated, and ignored by others who couldn't see beyond my "differences". I learned very quickly how much it could hurt to be "weird", to be laughed at, stared at,misunderstood, called names,and to feel so very,very alone.

And so began my lifelong quest for that elusive quality called normality.

Oh,I suppose I could have rebelled against the world, that I could have embraced and revelled in my weirdness,and could perhaps have become a Second Grade Bag Lady, but at the time, all I wanted was to be like the others, to have friends, to be accepted for myself.. so I did the only "rational" thing. In order to be accepted for myself, I tried to become someone else. I tried to hide my weirdness, to pretend that I was just like those around me.

I learned to isolate myself, to close myself off from others, to never let my real heart show, to wear a smile even when my heart was breaking, to never let anyone see the truth behind my mask.

I learned those lessons all too well, unfortunately.

For so many years now, I've felt almost like there were two Dees, the Dee that so many people see and are acquainted with..and the real Dee, that so few ever have known.

Oh,there were times, wonderful, rare times when those two worlds, those two Dees collided - times when I was on the stage at the little hometown theatre, times that I loved, and treasured, times when I really felt -alive-.. times when I was -free-, free to let go of all the fear, and not just be -me-, but to be the -me- I wanted to be at the time, to explore all the thoughts, feelings and emotions raging inside me - but those were altogether too few and too far apart.

After awhile, it just became natural to hide the real me away, to never let anyone see the weirdness in me. I've become an expert in letting people see only the parts of me that I want them to see, in letting people get close, but not so close that they can see what's really going on in my heart. Even those that think themselves closest to me might be surprised to learn that when the truth is told.. they might not know me as well as they think.

It worked great.

For awhile.

The problem is, I'm tired of it. I'm sick of wearing this mask.. of hiding behind this image of who I'm supposed to be in the eyes of others. I want to be -me-. Unfortunately, after spending so long trying to perfect that well-crafted image, it's hard to let go, to open yourself, to risk feeling that hurt again. In some ways, I find myself wondering who the real -me- is.. it seems like right now the evolutions and changes taking place in my heart and life are overwhelming. Who I used to be, who others think I am, and who I am are on a collision course, and when the smoke clears, I suppose I'll have to sort through all the debris to define myself again. I don't know how this is all going to end.. but I do know it has to end. I can't go on like this anymore, hiding within my own heart, a stranger in my own skin. I need to be me, the -real- me, the me God created me to be.. weirdness and all.

Last night, I re-discovered a video for a song that I've loved for many years now, Blind Melon's "No Rain." The story of the video revolves around a tap dancing little girl dressed in a yellow and black bee costume. Finding herself wounded by the laughter of those watching on as she does her dance, this little "Bee Girl" embarks on a journey, a search for a place where she can belong. Along the way, she encounters several people, finding none of a kindred spirit. Finally, after all her journeying, she finds herself in the promised land of a beautifully flowered field filled with -lots- of other "bee people".

As I watched the video, it dawned on me. I -am- the "Bee Girl". Like her, I was an outcast, a "stranger" among the "normal" people of my life- and like her, I've spent so many years on this incredible journey, trying to find a place where I fit in, a place where I can be the real "me".

I also realized that I can never find that place so long as I'm trying to deny that "weirdness" in me, to hide behind the mask.

So, get ready world! This life is about to change! It's time I let go, and embraced my inner "Bee Girl"...and that's just what I'm going to do! It won't be easy, I have a lot to overcome to find my way back to me.. but someday.. someday, I -will- be dancing in my field of flowers, and delighting in the company of other "bee people" just like me! :)

Feel free to join me , if you'd like! After all.. we bees have to stick together! :)

On A Much Lighter Note..

I thought I'd share a little note I received from a friend today:

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Gravity kills :) LOL :)

An Interesting Historical Perspective..

Here's an interesting historical tidbit, given the current situation involving the new Arizona Immigration Law. In the election of 1860, Abraham Lincoln, ran, and won, taking a dramatic stance against the anti-immigration platform of a break-away sect of the Republican party called the "Know-Nothings", a group which espoused principals very close to what the modern day TEA party embraces, by saying that he stood in opposition to "any change in our naturalization laws, or any state legislation by which the rights of citizens hitherto accorded to immigrants from foreign lands shall be abridged or impaired; and in favor of giving a full and efficient protection to the rights of all classes of citizens, whether native or naturalized, both at home and abroad."

By the way, Lincoln's opinion of the "Know-Nothings" wasn't very flattering.In an 1855 letter to his friend, John Speed, Lincoln said the following: " When the Know-Nothings get control, it [our Declaration of Independence] will read 'all men are created equal, except negroes and foreigners, and catholics[sic].' When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty - Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy." It makes one wonder what he'd think of the Sarah Palin's and other TEA Party figures of the day.

Definitely something to think about!

Dear Mom...

I suppose some would consider this somewhat of a study in futility, writing you this way. After all.. you'll never read these words, and even if you did, I doubt they'd make any difference in your heart, your thoughts or your world.

It's time for me to close this chapter in my life, though, Mom, and in order to do what I need to do for me to move on, and find the fullness in my life that I need, in order for me to become everything that I need to be, to be the woman that God wants me to be, I need to say "Goodbye". The word closure almost sounds cliche in this day and age, everyone seems to want to find theirs.. but I suppose that's what this note is all about. Closure - and my perhaps selfish need for it, so that I can go on. It doesn't matter if you don't read this, understand my feelings, or even care that I have them. The truth of the matter is that I suppose I'm -really- writing this for an audience of 2 anyway - myself, and God.

The decision to finally let go hasn't been an easy one for me. It's almost like an admission that everything I've always thought about love, and family has been nothing but a fantasy, a dream. In some ways, it would be easier if that were the case, but I know it's not- I see other people all the time who have the relationship with their Mom that I wish I could have had with you. It's taken me a long time, most of my life really, to realize that it's not that my expectations were unrealistic, or that there was anything wrong with -me- that kept me from being able to connect with you as I'd have liked to connect with you. The cold reality of it all is simply that you were never ready nor could you ever really accept my love, not of any failing of my own, but because of the open wounds and emptiness that fills your soul.

Sometimes I wonder, about that, you know, about that emptiness inside you. You and I were effectively raised by the same parents, and in almost the same environment and yet, we see the world so differently. What happened in your life to make you so bitter? So angry? So unable to love? So locked inside your pain that you can't even accept love from your oldest child?

Whatever happened, I'm sorry that it did.. maybe both of our lives would have been different if it hadn't. Whatever it was, I hope someday that you can let go of it - not for my sake, because I think the time when that could have benefited me is long past, not even for the sake of those you -have- allowed into your life, like Kena, Ashley and Collin - but for -your- own sake. Bitterness, hatred and anger only eat you up from the inside out. As horrible as it may sound to admit, sometimes I wonder if the cancer that's now erupting from your insides out isn't just that negativity you hold inside you making it's way to the surface.

Sometimes , I think it might help me if I could just -understand-.. but in all truthfulness, I know it probably wouldn't.

In some ways, I'm glad that things happened as they did. In some ways, I think I owe you a debt of gratitude - you leaving me with Nan and Grandad was the best possible thing you could ever have done for me. They were the most wonderful family and parents anyone could ever have hoped to have. Anything good in me is because of them, especially Grandad. They made sure I was cared for, that I had everything that I needed, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They gave me all the love in their hearts. I was their daughter, just as much as you were. They were actually probably more sacrificial than most parents in a lot of ways, since they were older, and didn't -have- to take me in. They could have turned me away, and had a real adult-life, free of kids, but they didn't - they loved me when you couldn't.

I should also thank you for choosing my dad, although in some ways, I wish you hadn't, because I know the damage you've done to his life. He's a wonderful man, Mom, loving, caring, and very smart and wise. He's been an amazing father, and I'm grateful for his presence in my life. He taught me a great deal about reason, and logic...and he took the time to tell me what I know you couldn't, that he loved me, and wanted me, but felt like it was best to leave me with my grandparents, because you could never have been a good mother. He gave me a family, even though it meant that he gave up a part of his. It wasn't fair to either he or I that he had to, but his choice to leave me with Nan and Grandad was probably the purest act of love that any parent could offer. He still was with me, he stayed a part of my life..and for that I will always be grateful.

There was still an empty spot in my heart, though.. an empty spot that wanted you, an empty spot that left me wondering, even as a child, what it was about me that was so bad, so unloveable that even my own mother couldn't love me. It hurt,it hurt so badly! When you told me that if abortion had been legal, I wouldn't have been here, well.. I can't even put into words how that made me feel. I was only 7, I didn't even know what that word meant at the time, but I was smart enough to be curious. I looked it up in the dictionary. I knew exactly what you were saying to me. Sometimes I wonder if you knew I would, if there was that much cruelty lingering inside you. Even though I realize now that you were driven by the hurt , anger, and guilt of you getting caught cheating on my dad, those words still left an open wound in my soul, an open wound that has only begun to heal these past few years as I've grown.

I tried hard, Mom, I really did. I was the straight A student, the perenially "good" kid, the child that most parents would have been proud of.. and I think, to some extent, I did at least part of it to try to "earn" your love. Obviously, I failed miserably at -that-, but, honestly, I don't regret having done it. It helped me become the person I am today.

Sometimes I wonder why you've always been able to love Kena. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever understand that.. I once talked to Dad about it, and he didn't understand it either. I used to envy her sometimes, because you loved her so much, and not me. In looking at her life, and the person she's become as an adult, though, I don't feel that way anymore. I'm much happier having my soul intact, thank you very much.

There are a few things you've done that I'm finding harder to forgive than others. I'm working on it, selfishly, not for your sake, but mine, because I -don't- want the bitterness to eat me alive, as it has eaten you - but these few things are harder for me to forgive. I'll never forget the way you treated Grandad, the way you disrespected him, even in his death. I was in South Carolina, a 5 hour drive away from home, the day he died..you were less than 20 minutes away..and yet, he died alone, because you and Kena couldn't be bothered to go check on him. At his wake, you and she walked away.. you couldn't even be bothered to stand there, and honor him one last time by greeting those who came to pay their respects. You stood there, as he lay there in his final rest, and cursed him and said how much you hated him.. then, simply walked away, and sat on the front porch of the funeral home and smoked your cigarettes, and talked to those you deemed worthy of your attentions. You got angry when those who had come to say goodbye for that last time didn't pay as much attention to you as you thought they should, despite the fact that you didn't make yourself available for them to express their condolences. You yelled at me, because they -did- talk to me, hug me, and stand with me when I cried. When the final moments of that night came, you walked away, and never looked back. You turned his funeral into your own little "show", pulling stunts like leaving his half-sister out of the arrangements, and not including her in the family.. stunts that I had to do my best to correct. It was never about Grandad to you.. you said it yourself, you thought his funeral should be for -you-, and seeing your own selfish needs promoted. Grandad deserved so much better than that.. I was there all those times when he gave you money, when he helped you when you had no where else to turn.. He loved you, and you repaid him with nothing but greed, and arrogance, and hatred. Did you know he prayed for you, Mom? He loved you so much, even after you'd hurt him so many times... he and Uncle Ken used to meet at lunch, or breakfast, and they'd pray together, for -you-, that you would find happiness in your life, and that you'd grow close to God, and find the peace that you always seem to be looking for in all the wrong places. When I was little,and so angry at you for the way you treated me, it was Grandad who would hold me when I cried, and tell me that I should respect you as my mother.. because no matter what, you were my Mom.. and yet, when he died, you couldn't show him even the most basic respect! You certainly couldn't wait to get your hands on his possessions though, could you? You're living in his house now.. and instead of gratitude.. you still curse his name. All I have left of the only Father I ever knew are the pictures, the memories,a few little sentimental things that he wanted me to have.. and the tears that come almost every day because I miss him so. And honestly, that's enough for me, because I was so blessed just to have him in my life, and I know that his love is still with me.. and that because he taught me to love the Lord, I have a hope that you don't. Because of Jesus, my eternity is secure.. and someday, someday, I will see Grandaddy again. You walked in and took everything, all the possessions that he'd worked so hard for in his life, and still, you have nothing, because your heart is so filled with hatred for him, and your own greed. A part of me pities you.. another part of me finds it very hard for me not to hate you for the way you've treated him.

I may not have lived with you as I was growing up, but I wasn't so far away that I didn't see what you did to Patrick. I hated the way you treated him, the way you took your anger toward Dad and your relationship with him. You may not have abused him with your fists, but you abused him...and it's at least partially your fault that now, as an adult, he's really not capable of making attachments to others, that he's never had any sort of relationships in his life..and that his life is what it is. I get so angry at you when you talk badly about him, I just want to scream, and tell you to shut up! You robbed him of his childhood, of his security, of the life he should have had..and you robbed me of the brother that I love so much, and would love to share my life more with today.

Most of all, Mom...I hate the way you treat my children. You once told Grandad that you had only one daughter, Kena, and only one grandchild, Ashley and later, when Collin was born, you accepted him. Dad once told me that he'd walked into Ashley's room, and taken note of the huge pile of toys and clothes that you'd given her- and realized that you had never done anything for any of my kids, and he didn't know why there was always such a difference made. You were never there for any of my kids, Mom, you never gave them all the love, and attention that a grandmother is supposed to give them. You've always treated them like second class citizens..even when they've accomplished something great, you've never even been able to even offer them your congratulations: You just blow them off, and focus on any achievements Ashley and Collin may have had. Please don't misunderstand me.. Ashley and Collin are great kids, I love them very much, and they deserve to be loved and praised...but so do Kevin, Chrissy, Zach and Aric! One of the hardest things I've had to deal with though- now that my kids are older, they see the way you treat them. How do I explain it to them, Mom? How can I explain to them that their Grandmother just has issues? I try, I try so hard to do just that.. to tell them that it's not them, that it's not their fault. I make excuses, I tell them that it's just that we've always lived away from you.. but I know it's not true, and so do they. Now that they're older, they've come to just expect nothing from you, to recognize that that's just how you are.. but I worry so much that somewhere in their subconscious, somewhere in their heart, they feel that same rejection, and self-doubt that I did, because of you. I don't care how you feel or don't feel about me, they deserve -better- than that! Honestly, though, I can't hate you for it. In a way, I pity you. It really -is- your loss, you really are missing out. They're -amazing- , wonderful kids, with so much love to offer. It's sad that you'll never really get the chance to experience that, because you've chosen to not embrace them.

It's hard to forgive you for so many things, Mom.. but with God's help, that's just what I'm going to do. I'm going to forgive you..

...and I'm going to let go.

I've done everything I could to rebuild the relationship between us, but the reality is, nothing I could do would ever make any difference until you're ready to accept it.So, Mom - this is goodbye. This is my closure. I will always love you, and wish you well, but I will no longer let myself be held back by the insecurity, the pain, the regret. It's time for me to move on,and embrace my life, the many blessings that God's given me, and that's just what I plan on doing.

Thank you for everything, the good and the bad, because all of it has helped me to become the woman I am..and I am stronger for it. I will continue to pray for you, and hope that you will find peace.

Your daughter,
D.

What Am I Missing Here?

Okay, kiddies.. get your asbestos sunglasses ready! This one might get a tad hot! My apologies in advance to anyone offended by my thoughts.. please note, however, this apology is only for their offense, not for my opinions. :)

I don't get it. Honestly, I just don't get it.

Of late, there seems to be a trend among some of my Christian friends to revert to the old regulations and customs practiced within the Torah, and old Judaic law. More and more of them seem to be embracing the rites and rituals of the Old Testament, from speaking Hebrew, to observing the Saturday sabbath, to embracing the dietary restrictions, and eating Kosher.

I understand that God deals with each of us as individuals,and that the path and direction He leads and guides one of us on may not be the same as another, and I certainly would be the last one to criticize someone for following a path that is uniquely theirs. I can even understand the desire to learn about the meaning of all of those rites and rituals, and observing some of the Hebraic tradition as just that.. tradition. I certainly understand the need of those who follow the path of Messianic Jews to blend the old ways with their new beliefs.

And yet.. didn't Christ come to earth, and die on the Cross, so that we didn't -have- to be so bound by those laws and regulations? Didn't -His- death and regulation change the equation and eliminate the need to prove our worthiness through ritual and tradition? Isn't reverting to the "Old Ways" a bit like saying that we don't want or need the freedom that comes with a relationship with Christ alone, that we are perfectly content to be held to those rituals, and traditions? Isn't that a bit like saying that the blood of Christ isn't sufficient enough for our salvation, we have to follow those rites and rituals to insure our place in His heaven, and His heart? Didn't the Pharisees and Saducees in Jesus' Day -also- put a great emphasis on the rites and rituals of their faith..and didn't Jesus condemn them for their heavy focus on the -law- , rather than focusing on the more lasting -truths-, loving Him, caring for others, etc.? Now, before you get your panties in a wad, I'm not saying that these folks are modern day Pharisees or Saducees, but I think that anytime we begin to focus so much on rite and ritual in religion, it can very easily be a slippery slope. Our focus can be drawn from our relationship with Him, to our relationship with the rules, and we may be in danger of falling into the old "sanctified by our works" trap.

Many of these same folks are very vehement in their insistence that we, as a nation, must support the acts of the Israeli government, because the people of Israel, are God's "chosen people". To quote a comment I saw on Facebook.."America has been blessed as a nation because we have preached the gospel throughout the world and came to the defense of God's chosen country, Isreal." Again, I'm confused..(and not just by the bad spelling of Israel, either:) ) !

Didn't Christ proclaim that during his time on earth that both Jew, and Gentile are His children, and as such, His chosen "people"? Didn't Christ's death on the cross change the old perceptions of who among us were God's "elect"?

And what if, the government of Israel, which is, the last I checked, comprised of mere men, the same as you and I, sinners, and fallible,not of angels, or by God himself, falls into line and supports something that may go against what we know by Christ's teachings to be the right thing? Should America defend Israel if it's government is making wrong decisions, decisions that are clearly against God's will? Should we abandon what we know to be right and support Israel regardless? Many of these same people who would insist on supporting Israel unconditionally would never think of doing so for our own government: they are, in fact, are often the most critical of our government. Are Israeli men somehow just more holy because of their heritage than our own, or any more or less capable of making good decisions than any other nation? Given Paul's inclusion of the equality of Jew, and Gentile, I should think that in God's eyes..man is man,and we are all sinners, and capable of making mistakes.

Please don't misunderstand me.. I am in no way saying that Israel should be vilified, nor that we should not support the actions of it's government, -if- those actions are right and in accordance with God's law. That should be the case in any instance of international relations.. to support the right,and condemn the wrong. What I -am- saying is that such "blind obedience" to any government, without looking at the context of their stands on issues, could lead to dangerous consequences. In fact, are we not cautioned, even as Christ-followers, to avoid such blind obedience? Wasn't that same sort of blind obedience and unconditional support the same sort of thing that allowed the Nazis to perpetrate horrible acts of torment and torture to the Jewish people during WWII? Is unconditional, unquestioning, unwavering support of the so-called "Motherland Israel" not creating an environment where something of a similar nature could happen again, and with our support..? It just seems to me that it's better, and more -biblical-, as Christ-followers, to -question- ,and instead of offering blanket support for -any- government, offering support for the -right- acts, and condemnation for the wrong.

I think one thing that drives me the most insane is the "holier than thou" attitude
that seems to come from those who are following this "Jewish wanna-be" trend. Does God hear your prayers any more clearly or listen to them any more intently because you speak them in Hebrew, and I speak to him in English? I don't think so.. Does God love you any more because you follow Torah commandments, and I follow (or at least try to follow) His will in my life? Hardly, despite the fact that those who follow the trend seem to think that they're somehow closer, or "righter" than a Christ-follower who is quite simply, just what God created them to be.. although there's no "just a" about following Him in any way.

As I said, I don't get it. I just don't get it. If you're of that mindset,however, and would like to explain it to me, offer a differing opinion, or answer any of my questions, I'd love to hear from you. Just beware though,while I do have my big girl panties on, and the asbestos liner besides.. there's a limit to the flaming I will allow here.. after all, it's my blog, and here, I reign supreme.

The Journey Thus Far...

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

And break away.

My First Passion

It would be impossible to speak of my passions without sharing with you one of the greatest passions of my life - my personal relationship, and ongoing journey of faith, with my Dad, my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ. He is the only way that the "life less ordinary" that I seek is possible, and only with, and through Him, is the disaster that is my life made beautiful.

He is the Creator of heaven and earth, He holds the universe in His hands, He is power and glory beyond imagination.. and yet.. amazingly..He is my best friend, He is my Daddy, who loves me, just as I am, and more than anyone else here on earth could. What a glorious, miraculous contradiction, a paradox, it is, eally.. that the God of all things, loves -me-, a flawed, imperfect girl like -me-, so much that He not only -wants- to have me in -His- life, but wanted a relationship with me so much that He would give his only son, a sacrifice on the Cross,to make that relationship possible.

Alone and on my own, I am nothing. It is His life, His love, His fire in me that makes me who I am.. the good parts of me, at least! He created me, He gave me life, He inspired and breathed these passions in my heart...and because of that, He is, and always will be, my First Passion.

My faith does not, however, make me a religious person. While some may believe that the words "faith" and "religion" may be easily and accurately interchangeable, I am not among that number. Religion is man-made, and based on the dogmas,the ideas of men, and their interpretations of God's word. Any man with a philosophy could easily start his own religion. A relationship with Christ, however, is God-made, and God-inspired, impossible to sinners, which we all are, without His gift to us..and is based upon a living, breathing -encounter-, and vibrant, growing walk with God's "word",in the form of Jesus Christ, His son.

Nor do I consider myself a "Christian" - that label has become far too identified with a political point of view, with a hypocrisy, lack of love, and intolerance that I do not think is pleasing to the God I love, nor can I, in good conscience and after prayerful consideration, agree with or choose to take upon myself.

I am simply a Christ-follower. An imperfect, fallible creation of my Heavenly Father, placed here on earth to seek His grace, and do His will, as best as I can. I am a work in progress, constantly evolving, and journeying more deeply into the mysteries of all that following Him bring. I want to be a reflection of His love, of His light, in a world that is left dark, and often without hope.

In my walk with Christ, there are some principles, and core beliefs that I have grown to accept as a part of His will for my life, passions in my soul that I believe come from the First passion I hold for Him. These passions and beliefs are merely what I believe God's calling is in my life, and my life alone, and may not be in perfect alignment with yours, my dear friends. Some of them may be somewhat controversial and even political in nature, but they are based upon what *I* see in the word of God, and the path that I feel I must follow. I do not ask for your agreement, or your approval, nor do I claim that my thoughts are the sole and only "right" in the world. I merely ask for your respect and understanding as you read. Please note that these thoughts and ideas are solely my own and do not reflect the thoughts or ideas of any individual, or organization with which I may be associated.

* I believe that I, as a Christ-follower, am called, first and foremost to fulfill His commandment that we are to love Him above all, and secondly, to love others in His name. I believe that loving others as He loves us requires service. Just as faith without works is dead, so is love without works merely the loud, clanging symbol as described in 1 Corinthians 13. Prayer, and platitudes aren't enough.. we are called upon to -care-, and to show that love and caring in tangible ways. I believe that sometimes the most effective witness or testimony that a Christ-follower can give isn't to be found in a sermon, a platitude, or even a bible verse..but in a simple "hug", and an "I love you", or a simple random act of kindness.

* I believe that as a Christ-follower, I am called to follow the principle of Micah 6:8.. To "Act Justly, Love Kindness, and Walk Humbly with the Lord, My God". I believe that I -am- my "brother's keeper", and that all men, as scripture states, -are- my brothers. We are charged with the duty of caring for the widowed, the orphans, the weak, the oppressed. It is my -responsibility- then, as a Christ-follower to work not only to do my part to see the needs of those hurting and less-fortunate met, but to act as an advocate for the provision of the needs of my "extended family of mankind" here at home, by supporting such government provisions as medical care for even the poorest in our land, and food for those who are hungry and in need. Since my responsibility doesn't end at our nation's borders, I am called to support organizations and missions that work to achieve these same goals throughout the world. I also feel strongly that as a Christ-follower, I am called to seek justice for those who are oppressed, to take an active stand against such injustices as human trafficking, and to seek substantial and comprehensive reforms in such areas of our government as immigration so that we, as a nation remain true to not only the Biblical standards of welcoming the poor and oppressed, but true to the sentiments of the inscription that is a part of one of our best-loved American icons, the Statue of Liberty.

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

* I believe that as a Christ-follower I am called to love without boundaries. Just as God's love extends beyond the boundaries of race, religion, or sex, so should my love for others. Whether we share the same skin color, faith, or sexual preference, we are all God's children and we are all held in His heart... and to show hatred or intolerance to someone simply because they are different than we are is, I think, abhorrent in His eyes. I refuse to be bound in the chains of fear and hatred that plague so many. I will choose instead to love others as He did - Just -as- they are, -wherever- they are in their lives. Jesus, after all, died on the cross for the homosexual and the Muslim, just as he died for me.

* I believe that as a Christ-follower, I am called to celebrate and respect life. I am called to respect and honor those of greater years and wisdom than I, to see in their grey hair and their wrinkled hands, the beauty of a life long-lived, to listen, and hear in their stories, the legacies of their lives. I am called to respect and honor the unborn. Unlike many who espouse my faith,however, I do not believe that the answer to the issue of abortion in our society lies in government legislation or interventions. To coin a familiar analogy, such legislation and regulation would be somewhat effective in addressing the -symptom- of our social "illness", but little to cure the actual disease. I believe that as a Christ-follower, I am called to model my life and response to issues after nothing less than the life of Christ himself. Scripture gives no example, not a -single- example of Christ responding to the social ills of the day by seeking the involvement of the government, but instead, by showing love, kindness, generosity, and compassion to those involved. In accordance with that example, I believe that I am called to do the same, and use the resources at hand to do the same. It is far more beneficial to use my resources to aid those pregnant women in need, and help them to better their circumstances so that they can see their pregnancies to full term, or to act as an advocate for easier adoptions, than it is to waste my time and energy protesting or trying to fight in a courtroom or the congressional floor.

* I believe that as a Christ-follower, I have been called, and have been appointed the responsibility to care for his creation. It is my responsibility to do all that I can to be a good steward of the Earth. He has given us as our temporary home, and to the flora and fauna that share our home with us. I believe that in order to take care of our home as He has commanded us, I am charged with the duty to be an advocate for the development and use of cleaner, more "green" energy, and renewable resources. It doesn't really matter whether Global Warning is real or not, we should all still do our part to take care of that which we have been entrusted.

* I believe that as a Christ-follower, it is my responsibility to lead others to Him, not with a shout, but a whisper, and my actions. Some may be called to beat others soundly about the head and shoulders with a Bible to try to "evangelize" them, but as for me.. I'll stick with the loving path.

* I believe that as a Christ-follower, I am called to be "real". I see way too many "SuperChristians" that are only too eager to share Bible verses,platitudes and lots of "churchy talk" on their Facebook or other social networking sites - and do so almost exclusively. While there's nothing really wrong with that, I personally find it too heavy a burden to bear. If you follow me or befriend me here on this blog, or on any other social networking sites that I may be a part of, what you can expect to receive in return is a dose of the real Dee...the good, the bad, the ugly..and the beautiful disaster that is life. That doesn't mean that God isn't my priority or my first passion - it simply means that I feel that transparency, and "reality" are important as well.

* I believe that as a Christ-follower, I am called to worship and praise Him, and I believe that that worship and praise is a matter of heart, not necessarily of location. True worship doesn't have to only occur within the walls of a church..you can worship Him anywhere or anytime!

* I believe, as a Christ-follower, that church is intended to tend to the wounded soul, to help the sick of spirit, not as a haven for the holy.

* I believe that as a Christ-follower, the Founding Fathers' principle of the separation of church and state is essential, not simply as a way to insure that we, as a nation, are not subjugated to any sort of religious tyranny, but as a way to protect, and keep unity within the church, as well. How much division has been caused by the presence of well-meaning, if overzealous, political discussion or involvement in a church? "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.. and to God what is God's".

* I believe that as a Christ-follower, I am called to love and support others who follow the same path as I, to help them along in the journey in any way that I may. I believe that it's also my responsibility to open myself up to others, and allow them to love me and support me. I'm still struggling with that on many levels. It isn't easy to open my heart, and make myself vulnerable to those. Like everyone else, I fight my own insecurity and fear of rejection on a daily basis. I do recognize that I am incredibly blessed to have had, and to continue to have some incredible partners who are walking with me in faith, many of you who may be reading this right now. To those incredibly brave, somewhat insane, and incredibly amazing, faithful souls, I offer my undying gratitude, and love without end. Thank you for being with me through the good and bad, and loving me as Our Father loves us - unconditionally.

There's still more that lies in my heart, deep rooted, deep seated faiths, and principles that work together to make me who I am... but perhaps, those are best left between my Father and I. I am a "Daddy's girl" after all. :)

Thank you for sharing this moment in time with me! If you've read this far, don't worry, the end is in sight.. there's just one more thing I'd like to share with you today. If you -don't- have a personal relationship with Christ, if He's not a passion in your life, if you've been spending all your time playing at being "religious", and you want -more- in your life - He's there, and He loves you. There's no time like the present! Just open your heart to Him right now!

Who I Am..

I once heard it said that you could tell a lot about a person by their passions - what makes their hearts beat, what quickens their breath, what awakens their soul, what makes their spirit dance, and soar.

If that's true, my friends, then hopefully this post, these words, trivial though they may seem, will allow you a glimpse into my soul, my heart, my world, and life. Welcome to my blog - my ongoing work of "heart". :)

The word "passion" itself is defined as a powerful emotion- so what you're about to read here isn't for the weak of heart, or the faint of spirit. You see, one of the things that you may wish to know firstly about me is that I am passionate about being passionate! I firmly believe that we were placed on this earth, not just to exist, but to live, and that through the -life- within us, to make the world a better place. We weren't placed here in this time, or in this place, to simply maintain the status quo, we were given this life, this spirit, this soul, this heart, to make our own special contributions, to change the face of reality,be it for ourselves, or others, and hopefully, when we leave this world behind, to also leave it somehow changed, somehow brighter, for our presence in it.

There is a life less ordinary, a path less taken.. and it is that life, that path that I hope to follow. As it was once expressed by the playwright who so skillfully crafted one of my favorite movies of all time "Shakespeare in Love" :

I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No... not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that... over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love - like there has never been in a play.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a woman of few words, or a woman without strong beliefs, thoughts and philosophies. If anything, perhaps sometimes I am too strong in those beliefs, thoughts,and philosophies. My soul dances on the gentle breeze, but echoes in the stirs of the thunder and lightning. Sometimes, I am the sweet, soft petals of the velvet rose, and sometimes the sound and fury of the storm. I am a dreamer, an idealist, an activist, and yet sometimes, I walk in shadow. I am a walking contradiction, a beautiful disaster. I claim no perfection, save perfection in my imperfections.

Those who have known me best, and longest know this well, and thank God, have come to accept this in me. They are kind and compassionate enough to love me despite that particular tendency in me, and strong enough to stand with me, and sometimes, when needed, to help guide me to the deeper truth.

That being said, my friend, I do realize that not everyone can be so accepting, so understanding or strong.. so if you don't want to know the "real" me, if you don't really want to know what I think, or my opinions,if you only want to see me through the looking glass of your judgment, condemnation or ridicule, then you may want to click away from this site right now.

Go ahead, it's fine -really.. I understand, truly I do.

If you choose to remain and are brave enough to continue on, however, I do hope that you'll somehow find your life enriched, or at least, enlightened, and that you may find something here that will inspire your own passions. That is my prayer for you, my friend.. that you may find some spark of life, some spark of inspiration in my words that will awaken your soul, provoke you to thought, and perhaps even to action..

... that you may find for yourself this "life less ordinary" that I've found, and that it will embrace you, as you embrace it, as I have embraced it. :)