Dear Mom...

I suppose some would consider this somewhat of a study in futility, writing you this way. After all.. you'll never read these words, and even if you did, I doubt they'd make any difference in your heart, your thoughts or your world.

It's time for me to close this chapter in my life, though, Mom, and in order to do what I need to do for me to move on, and find the fullness in my life that I need, in order for me to become everything that I need to be, to be the woman that God wants me to be, I need to say "Goodbye". The word closure almost sounds cliche in this day and age, everyone seems to want to find theirs.. but I suppose that's what this note is all about. Closure - and my perhaps selfish need for it, so that I can go on. It doesn't matter if you don't read this, understand my feelings, or even care that I have them. The truth of the matter is that I suppose I'm -really- writing this for an audience of 2 anyway - myself, and God.

The decision to finally let go hasn't been an easy one for me. It's almost like an admission that everything I've always thought about love, and family has been nothing but a fantasy, a dream. In some ways, it would be easier if that were the case, but I know it's not- I see other people all the time who have the relationship with their Mom that I wish I could have had with you. It's taken me a long time, most of my life really, to realize that it's not that my expectations were unrealistic, or that there was anything wrong with -me- that kept me from being able to connect with you as I'd have liked to connect with you. The cold reality of it all is simply that you were never ready nor could you ever really accept my love, not of any failing of my own, but because of the open wounds and emptiness that fills your soul.

Sometimes I wonder, about that, you know, about that emptiness inside you. You and I were effectively raised by the same parents, and in almost the same environment and yet, we see the world so differently. What happened in your life to make you so bitter? So angry? So unable to love? So locked inside your pain that you can't even accept love from your oldest child?

Whatever happened, I'm sorry that it did.. maybe both of our lives would have been different if it hadn't. Whatever it was, I hope someday that you can let go of it - not for my sake, because I think the time when that could have benefited me is long past, not even for the sake of those you -have- allowed into your life, like Kena, Ashley and Collin - but for -your- own sake. Bitterness, hatred and anger only eat you up from the inside out. As horrible as it may sound to admit, sometimes I wonder if the cancer that's now erupting from your insides out isn't just that negativity you hold inside you making it's way to the surface.

Sometimes , I think it might help me if I could just -understand-.. but in all truthfulness, I know it probably wouldn't.

In some ways, I'm glad that things happened as they did. In some ways, I think I owe you a debt of gratitude - you leaving me with Nan and Grandad was the best possible thing you could ever have done for me. They were the most wonderful family and parents anyone could ever have hoped to have. Anything good in me is because of them, especially Grandad. They made sure I was cared for, that I had everything that I needed, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They gave me all the love in their hearts. I was their daughter, just as much as you were. They were actually probably more sacrificial than most parents in a lot of ways, since they were older, and didn't -have- to take me in. They could have turned me away, and had a real adult-life, free of kids, but they didn't - they loved me when you couldn't.

I should also thank you for choosing my dad, although in some ways, I wish you hadn't, because I know the damage you've done to his life. He's a wonderful man, Mom, loving, caring, and very smart and wise. He's been an amazing father, and I'm grateful for his presence in my life. He taught me a great deal about reason, and logic...and he took the time to tell me what I know you couldn't, that he loved me, and wanted me, but felt like it was best to leave me with my grandparents, because you could never have been a good mother. He gave me a family, even though it meant that he gave up a part of his. It wasn't fair to either he or I that he had to, but his choice to leave me with Nan and Grandad was probably the purest act of love that any parent could offer. He still was with me, he stayed a part of my life..and for that I will always be grateful.

There was still an empty spot in my heart, though.. an empty spot that wanted you, an empty spot that left me wondering, even as a child, what it was about me that was so bad, so unloveable that even my own mother couldn't love me. It hurt,it hurt so badly! When you told me that if abortion had been legal, I wouldn't have been here, well.. I can't even put into words how that made me feel. I was only 7, I didn't even know what that word meant at the time, but I was smart enough to be curious. I looked it up in the dictionary. I knew exactly what you were saying to me. Sometimes I wonder if you knew I would, if there was that much cruelty lingering inside you. Even though I realize now that you were driven by the hurt , anger, and guilt of you getting caught cheating on my dad, those words still left an open wound in my soul, an open wound that has only begun to heal these past few years as I've grown.

I tried hard, Mom, I really did. I was the straight A student, the perenially "good" kid, the child that most parents would have been proud of.. and I think, to some extent, I did at least part of it to try to "earn" your love. Obviously, I failed miserably at -that-, but, honestly, I don't regret having done it. It helped me become the person I am today.

Sometimes I wonder why you've always been able to love Kena. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever understand that.. I once talked to Dad about it, and he didn't understand it either. I used to envy her sometimes, because you loved her so much, and not me. In looking at her life, and the person she's become as an adult, though, I don't feel that way anymore. I'm much happier having my soul intact, thank you very much.

There are a few things you've done that I'm finding harder to forgive than others. I'm working on it, selfishly, not for your sake, but mine, because I -don't- want the bitterness to eat me alive, as it has eaten you - but these few things are harder for me to forgive. I'll never forget the way you treated Grandad, the way you disrespected him, even in his death. I was in South Carolina, a 5 hour drive away from home, the day he died..you were less than 20 minutes away..and yet, he died alone, because you and Kena couldn't be bothered to go check on him. At his wake, you and she walked away.. you couldn't even be bothered to stand there, and honor him one last time by greeting those who came to pay their respects. You stood there, as he lay there in his final rest, and cursed him and said how much you hated him.. then, simply walked away, and sat on the front porch of the funeral home and smoked your cigarettes, and talked to those you deemed worthy of your attentions. You got angry when those who had come to say goodbye for that last time didn't pay as much attention to you as you thought they should, despite the fact that you didn't make yourself available for them to express their condolences. You yelled at me, because they -did- talk to me, hug me, and stand with me when I cried. When the final moments of that night came, you walked away, and never looked back. You turned his funeral into your own little "show", pulling stunts like leaving his half-sister out of the arrangements, and not including her in the family.. stunts that I had to do my best to correct. It was never about Grandad to you.. you said it yourself, you thought his funeral should be for -you-, and seeing your own selfish needs promoted. Grandad deserved so much better than that.. I was there all those times when he gave you money, when he helped you when you had no where else to turn.. He loved you, and you repaid him with nothing but greed, and arrogance, and hatred. Did you know he prayed for you, Mom? He loved you so much, even after you'd hurt him so many times... he and Uncle Ken used to meet at lunch, or breakfast, and they'd pray together, for -you-, that you would find happiness in your life, and that you'd grow close to God, and find the peace that you always seem to be looking for in all the wrong places. When I was little,and so angry at you for the way you treated me, it was Grandad who would hold me when I cried, and tell me that I should respect you as my mother.. because no matter what, you were my Mom.. and yet, when he died, you couldn't show him even the most basic respect! You certainly couldn't wait to get your hands on his possessions though, could you? You're living in his house now.. and instead of gratitude.. you still curse his name. All I have left of the only Father I ever knew are the pictures, the memories,a few little sentimental things that he wanted me to have.. and the tears that come almost every day because I miss him so. And honestly, that's enough for me, because I was so blessed just to have him in my life, and I know that his love is still with me.. and that because he taught me to love the Lord, I have a hope that you don't. Because of Jesus, my eternity is secure.. and someday, someday, I will see Grandaddy again. You walked in and took everything, all the possessions that he'd worked so hard for in his life, and still, you have nothing, because your heart is so filled with hatred for him, and your own greed. A part of me pities you.. another part of me finds it very hard for me not to hate you for the way you've treated him.

I may not have lived with you as I was growing up, but I wasn't so far away that I didn't see what you did to Patrick. I hated the way you treated him, the way you took your anger toward Dad and your relationship with him. You may not have abused him with your fists, but you abused him...and it's at least partially your fault that now, as an adult, he's really not capable of making attachments to others, that he's never had any sort of relationships in his life..and that his life is what it is. I get so angry at you when you talk badly about him, I just want to scream, and tell you to shut up! You robbed him of his childhood, of his security, of the life he should have had..and you robbed me of the brother that I love so much, and would love to share my life more with today.

Most of all, Mom...I hate the way you treat my children. You once told Grandad that you had only one daughter, Kena, and only one grandchild, Ashley and later, when Collin was born, you accepted him. Dad once told me that he'd walked into Ashley's room, and taken note of the huge pile of toys and clothes that you'd given her- and realized that you had never done anything for any of my kids, and he didn't know why there was always such a difference made. You were never there for any of my kids, Mom, you never gave them all the love, and attention that a grandmother is supposed to give them. You've always treated them like second class citizens..even when they've accomplished something great, you've never even been able to even offer them your congratulations: You just blow them off, and focus on any achievements Ashley and Collin may have had. Please don't misunderstand me.. Ashley and Collin are great kids, I love them very much, and they deserve to be loved and praised...but so do Kevin, Chrissy, Zach and Aric! One of the hardest things I've had to deal with though- now that my kids are older, they see the way you treat them. How do I explain it to them, Mom? How can I explain to them that their Grandmother just has issues? I try, I try so hard to do just that.. to tell them that it's not them, that it's not their fault. I make excuses, I tell them that it's just that we've always lived away from you.. but I know it's not true, and so do they. Now that they're older, they've come to just expect nothing from you, to recognize that that's just how you are.. but I worry so much that somewhere in their subconscious, somewhere in their heart, they feel that same rejection, and self-doubt that I did, because of you. I don't care how you feel or don't feel about me, they deserve -better- than that! Honestly, though, I can't hate you for it. In a way, I pity you. It really -is- your loss, you really are missing out. They're -amazing- , wonderful kids, with so much love to offer. It's sad that you'll never really get the chance to experience that, because you've chosen to not embrace them.

It's hard to forgive you for so many things, Mom.. but with God's help, that's just what I'm going to do. I'm going to forgive you..

...and I'm going to let go.

I've done everything I could to rebuild the relationship between us, but the reality is, nothing I could do would ever make any difference until you're ready to accept it.So, Mom - this is goodbye. This is my closure. I will always love you, and wish you well, but I will no longer let myself be held back by the insecurity, the pain, the regret. It's time for me to move on,and embrace my life, the many blessings that God's given me, and that's just what I plan on doing.

Thank you for everything, the good and the bad, because all of it has helped me to become the woman I am..and I am stronger for it. I will continue to pray for you, and hope that you will find peace.

Your daughter,
D.