Jar of Hearts..

"Sandra Kay McVey, age 67, of Bristol, TN went to be with the Lord, Tuesday, November 2, 2010 in the Wellmont Hospice House. She was born May 7,1943 in Bristol, VA a daughter of the late Jay and Virgie Meade Blevins, and she lived most of her life in the Bristol area. She was a retired employee of Hills Department Store, and was a former business manager for Right Turn. She was a member of Woodlawn Baptist Church. She is survived by her loving husband of 16 years: Denny Collier, Daughters: Dena Springer, Kena Kappelman, Son: Pat McVey, Step Daughter: Nicole Collier, Grandchildren: Ashley Kappelman, Collin Kappelman, Kevin Hughes II, Christina Springer, Zachary Springer, and Aric Springer "

She's dead, Jim.

My Mom is gone.

To quote, with one minor alteration, one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies of all-time, "A Knight's Tale" : "The spark of her life is smothered in shite. Her spirit is gone but her stench remains. Does that answer your question?"

Please pardon me if my words seem irreverent, or disrespectful...those of you who know me best know that my responses are often so, and that sometimes, I tend to deal with some of life's most serious issues with my own breed of somewhat twisted humor. Life is too short, after all, to take it too seriously.

And so, dear reader, if you've taken offense, I offer my most sincere apologies. It's not intentional.. it's just.. -me-.

I've done my grieving, and said my goodbyes.. now, all that's left is to find my way in this new reality of my life. I've been so blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who have loved and supported me through all the ups and downs of my life..and this was no exception. I have truly felt the love, thoughts and prayers sent my way.. and I am grateful to you, my dear friend, for all that you've given me. Rest assured, the love is sent back to you,and twice over.

So many of you have taken the time to ask me the simple yet powerful statement. "How are you?".. with a genuine interest and care.

My response, although it may sound quite cliche and glib is simply this:

I'm okay.

-Really-.

I'm okay.

Those of you who have known me for any length of time undoubtedly know that my Mom and I were never close. In fact, sometimes I've found myself wondering how two people who were effectively raised in the same environment, by the same two people, could have been so different in so many ways. For most of my life, I've been walking wounded, bearing the weight of the scars of words spoken in anger and resentments that I didn't even understand.. carrying hurts that I've held inside for so very long, hurts that no band-aid could heal, hurts that hung over my heart like a black cloud following me around and refusing to leave. A little over a year ago, I made the conscious decision to forgive my Mom for those hurts, to refuse to let any emotion that lingered in me to transform me into someone I didn't want to be - a bitter person held prisoner by pain and anger. I made the choice to not allow myself to be controlled by that hurt, but instead..to release it, to just.. let all that useless emotion..go.

I thought that in that moment that I was free, that I couldn't feel any more so than I did right at that instant.

I was wrong.

On Friday, November 5th, at 3 p.m., I came to understand the true meaning of freedom.

That afternoon, when I walked into the funeral home, and, along with the rest of my family, took our last look at the lingering lump of flesh that had once been the shell of my mother's soul, I found true peace and freedom. As I looked at that body, so utterly and completely ravaged by the disease that claimed her, I think I really saw my Mom for the very first time. She was no saint, not at all - she was a flawed person, who made many mistakes in her life, mistakes that often broke the hearts of those nearest to her. And yet.. just as I realized that I could never have imagined the physical pain that she had to bear in those last days of her life, I will likely never know, and can't imagine the emotional pain that she had to have held inside. For the first time, I really began to realize and understand the secret hurt that she kept, that drove her to become the person she was ,and to do those things that she did and said, the things that hurt me so deeply, and left those scars...and in that moment, I truly grieved..not for the loss of her life, but for what she must have had to endure during her life, for the wounds that had shaped her, the pain that she just..couldn't let go.

In those final moments, in that final realization, there was no more anger, no more sorrow.. the wounds were gone, the scars were faded, there was only love, and compassion..for this stranger, this beautiful, fallible, human that had been my Mother.

And in finding that love, I found perfect freedom.

I am no longer bound by the chains of hurt. I am no longer carrying that weight. I am free to define my life without that negativity, no longer locked in the labels that my Mother, in her hurt had applied to me. I was no longer the loser, the ugly one, the weird one.. I was, and am.. purely me, defined only by God, to be the person He wants me to be.

I've always heard that there is peace in death. In my Mom's.. I can truly say I've found more of my own.


So, Mom....if you're reading this today, from heaven..if, in His grace, mercy and goodness, God is somehow allowing my heart to carry these words to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't see you, really -see- you, before you left. I'm sorry for the pain you had to endure, both physically and emotionally. But more than anything, Mom.. I love you.

Before you passed, you chose the song to be played at your funeral, a song that I've heard many times, but really..never listened to, before that night when we gathered to bid you farewell. I never heard the words before that night.

I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

You were no stranger to the rain, Mom, and you faced the devils that you lived with every day of your life. May you find the peace in His arms that you never knew in your life here on earth.

As for me? As I said.. I've done my grieving and said my goodbyes..now all that's left is for me to find my way in this new reality ..and I think I'm off to a pretty good start.

Before Mom died, I fell in love with a song, Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". I don't know why, really, but the lyrics seemed so very fitting for my Mom and the relationship we shared in life, and somehow, appropriate as I begin this new journey in life.

And so, dear reader, as we end this time together, I'll leave you with these thoughts, these moments.

Thank you, as always, for your love, support, and for sharing these moments with me.. I truly do love you.

And now.. "Jar of Hearts", by Christina Perri.